Fragile
by Tinkerbell3902
Summary: Young, married and in love, Johnny and Lulu seem to have everything that they could ever want... except for the one thing to make their family complete. JoLu.
1. Only Hope

**A/N: **So after a much needed hiatus from writing, here's my newest long series! I've been brainstorming this idea for a while and I'm really excited to get this one out. This one, I think, is going to be a bit darker/angstier than Broken Vow just because of the topic but I hope that you guys read it and like it as much as I do! The trailer for this story is up (or should be up soon) on my profile so you should check it out :) Happy reading and don't forget to review!

* * *

_Pray God you can cope  
I stand outside  
This woman's work  
This woman's world  
Oh, it's hard on the man  
Now his part is over  
Now starts the craft of the father_

_I know you've got a little life in you left  
I know you've got a lot of strength left  
I know you've got a little life in you yet  
I know you've got a lot of strength left…_

"This Woman's Work" – Kate Bush

**Chapter 1 – Only Hope**

The streetlamps flickered on as dusk fell upon Port Charles, bathing the small seaside town in a hazy evening glow that made everything look rich. The crisp salt air nipped at their faces as they sped across town, the top to the convertible down and their fingers interlaced. His thumb ran over the large diamond ring that was resting on her left hand, always liking the reminder that she was his for all of time. He suddenly made a sharp turn, making her laugh in the process, into the parking lot of the MetroCourt hotel and pulled up to the valet. He put the car in park as they waited for the attendant to come.

"Do we have to go in?" she groaned as she turned towards him and he laughed.

"Yes, we promised that we would, Lulu… you know how Maxie gets when we don't come to her _soirees_…" he laughed and his wife grimaced.

"You hate these parties as much as I do, Johnny…" she said and he rolled his eyes.

"Oh, stop pouting… come on, we don't have to stay for long… we'll stay long enough to say hi to everyone…" he promised, kissing the top of her hand, and she sighed.

"Fine… leave it to Maxie to throw an impromptu _extravaganza_…" she muttered.

Johnny laughed as he hopped out of the car and walked over to the other side to open the door for his wife. With a smile, he offered an arm to her and she linked hers in his as they strolled into the lobby. He felt her arms wrap around his torso as they entered the elevator and he kissed the top of her head. He loved Lulu and the life that they had with everything that he was. Every single day since she had become his wife three years ago, he fell more in love with her. He loved kissing her pink lips, running his fingers through her golden tresses, feeling her body contour against his as they slept…

He loved every single moment.

The elevator doors opened to reveal the restaurant at the MetroCourt filled with black and white balloons and streamers. Flowers adorned each table setting and people were mingling all over. Johnny put his hand on the small of Lulu's back as they made their way towards Maxie and Spinelli at the bar.

"Lulu!" Maxie cried upon seeing her friend.

She handed her glass of what appeared to be orange juice to Spinelli and threw her arms around her best friend. Johnny chuckled at Maxie's enthusiasm as he shook hands with Spinelli. Maxie kissed both of Lulu's cheeks before hugging Johnny as well.

"Great party, Maxie…" Lulu said.

"I know… it doesn't look half bad for something that I threw together at the last minute for Federico's visit to Port Charles." Maxie said, referring to her favorite designer that had done a lot of work for Crimson, the magazine that she now ran after Kate Howard's retirement and subsequent move back to Manhattan.

Maxie turned to her husband and whispered something into his ear. The look on Maxie's face clearly said that she had some important news to share with Lulu. Spinelli then nodded, smiling, and handed her the glass of orange juice that he was holding back to her before she linked her arm through Lulu's and they walked off out of sight onto the balcony.

"Well, shall we partake in something from the bar while our significant others are engaged elsewhere?" Spinelli laughed.

Johnny clapped his friend on the back and they ordered a few drinks. They made idle chatter as they sat at the bar, catching up on the happenings in each other's lives. Johnny had barely even seen his friend since his work for Jason had started to wane. Spinelli's main focus was his private investigating agency with Sam McCall-Morgan, which had taken off in the past three years and Johnny was now running the entire Zacchara side of the organization, which had been given back to him when Jason Morgan took over the Corinthos-Morgan holdings after Sonny Corinthos had fled the country.

"So, what's Maxie's big news?" Johnny asked, taking a sip of his scotch, and Spinelli smiled slightly.

"Maxie and I are expecting a most welcome new addition to our family in about eight or nine month's time…" Spinelli said, cheerfully.

At that moment, he looked up towards the door of the balcony and saw Lulu walk back into the restaurant. Her eyes met his only for a second and she quickly looked away but it was too late. He had already caught a glimpse of the tears in her eyes and knew what was going on. She made a hasty retreat towards the bathroom and Johnny excused himself quickly, leaving a confounded Spinelli to wonder what had just occurred. Without any hesitation, Johnny pushed the door to the women's room open, needing to get to his wife. She stood over the sink, head down and small sobs taking over her petite body. She looked up into the mirror and he watched her tears roll down her face slowly and silently. His heart ached to see her like this. He wished with all of his might that he could take away her pain because her pain was his pain.

"Lulu…" he whispered as he neared her.

He put his hand on her shoulders and she wiped her eyes. She was trying so hard to be strong, for him and for everyone, and she was strong. But there was only so much that one person could take. He pressed his lips to her temple and she sighed shakily.

"Are you ok?" he asked.

She turned around and shook her head. He took her in his arms as her entire body trembled with her sorrowful cries. He had always felt so useless and powerless when he was growing up with his father and his violent and erratic behavior and he never wanted to feel that way again and he never wanted anyone that he loved to ever feel that way either. But as he held his inconsolable wife in his arms, he couldn't help but to feel like a failure. She was in so much pain and he couldn't do anything to fix it. All he could do was to hold her in his arms and let her cry on him for what seemed like the thousandth time. She grasped at his blazer as she sobbed and he just held her there, stroking her hair and assuring her that everything was alright and that they were going to be fine.

"She's going to have a baby…" Lulu sobbed.

"I know…" Johnny said, his own heart clenching at his own words.

"And I'm happy—I'm happy for her…" she said in between sobs.

"I know you are, Lulu…" he said as he pressed his lips to her forehead.

However, he knew that the tears flowing from his wife's eyes were not tears of joy. He knew all too well of the pain that his wife was going through. They wanted a family. She wanted a little boy who looked just like him and he wanted a little girl with curls and eyes just like her.

But there was nothing… even after two years of trying.

"I just—I just want one too… we've been trying for so long…" she cried, turning her face into him and putting tear stains into his navy Italian tailored shirt.

"I know…" he said, squeezing his eyes shut as his voice grew hoarse.

"Is there something wrong with me?" she asked, looking up at him.

He held her face in his hands and pressed his forehead to hers. How could she even think such a thing? She was perfect, as perfect as she had always been since the day that he met her. She had accepted him despite his moodiness and his dark side. He had tried to push her away, knowing that she could do much better than him, but she stayed and fought for him, even when he didn't want to fight for himself. She had saved his life in more ways than she knew.

_She was absolutely perfect._

"There's nothing wrong with you…" he said.

"But I can't—" she started but he shook his head again.

"There's **nothing** wrong with you… we'll keep trying, ok? Every night if we have to…" he said.

"But what if it never happens? What if we—what if **I** can never have children?" she asked.

"Whatever happens, whether **we** have children of our own or if we have to consider other options, I will love you until the day I die… and nothing is ever going to change that…" he said.

She nodded tearfully and he leaned in to kiss her softly on her lips. He gently brushed the tears from her cheeks, knowing that they wouldn't be the last to be shed on the subject. He had lost count of how many times they had this conversation as he had lost count of the times that he had held her as she cried herself to sleep after having their hopes dashed by another negative reading from a pregnancy test but if he had to do it to keep his wife from falling apart, he would. She meant everything to him and he would do anything to keep her together.

Even if it meant disguising his own fear.

* * *

"Mrs. Zacchara?"

Lulu looked up from her magazine and did her best to plaster on a smile even though it was the last thing that she wanted to do. She was so nervous that she thought that she could've passed out. She hated hospitals and she hated being a human pin cushion for doctors as they took vials of blood and ran tests that were way beyond her comprehension. She hated the huge technical words that they used that meant that something horrible was happening or was going to happen. Johnny, who knew her better than anyone, gently tightened his grip on her hand, a gesture that he did at any sign of uneasiness that he felt radiating off her, without even looking up from his copy of the New York Times.

"Dr. Lee will see you now…" the nurse said.

She wasn't ready for this. After today, everything would be concrete. She would either be able to give Johnny a child or she wouldn't. The uncertainty was comforting in that way and if she wasn't able to have children, then she really didn't want to know.

Because it would devastate Johnny.

He would never admit it though. He would never let her see his disappointment because he loved her so much that he wanted to shield her from the world's cruelness. However, she knew her husband just as well as he knew her and she would see it in his eyes. Those beautiful deep brown eyes that she wanted to see in a little girl or a little boy that belonged to them and them alone. They had wanted a child of their own for so long and if it was revealed that she couldn't have one, she didn't know how she could face him again. He had said that he would love her no matter what and she believed him when he said it but even he wouldn't be able to hide his despair from her.

"Do you want me to come in with you?" he asked and she nodded, holding out her hand to him.

With a low chuckle, Johnny set down his newspaper and took her hand. The nurse ushered the couple into the exam room and Lulu took a seat on the exam table. When the nurse left, he put his hands on her thighs and kissed her sweetly on the lips. It was amazing how in-sync they were with each other. Whenever she felt uneasy, he could tell and knew what to do in order to ease her fears, and that's what she loved most about him.

"Hello, Lulu…"

She looked up and saw Dr. Kelly Lee staring right back at her with a pleasant smile. Hopefully that smile was because she had good news.

"Hi, Dr. Lee… so what's the verdict?" Lulu asked and Johnny squeezed her hand.

The doctor let out a sigh, one that Lulu knew would shatter her dreams. Dr. Lee didn't need to say another word because she already knew. She knew that she would never be able to give Johnny the child that they desperately wanted. Tears immediately sprung to the young woman's eyes and she felt Johnny's hand on her back.

"The verdict is that you could potentially be able to conceive a child. It would be difficult for you to do so and it would be hard for you to sustain the pregnancy. However, that's not what I'm concerned about." Dr. Lee started.

"What are you concerned about?" Johnny asked and the doctor sighed.

"Looking at all of your wife's test results, it has become clear to me that if she were to become pregnant, the stress and strain on the body could be fatal to both her and the unborn child." Dr. Lee said.

As the words rolled off Dr. Lee's tongue, Lulu felt Johnny's arm tighten around her waist, as if just saying the words would be enough to harm her. She looked up at her husband's face and saw that it had turned sheet white.

"Are you saying that she—she could die if she has a baby?" he stammered.

"But there's still a chance that I could carry this baby to full-term and be fine, right?" Lulu asked.

"Theoretically, yes… but as your doctor, I would advise you to consider all of your options…" Dr. Lee said.

"But there's still a chance that I—" Lulu started.

She was cut off by the sound of Johnny slamming his fist down on the countertop and the sharpness of the sound made Lulu flinch. She looked at her husband and his eyes were downcast and his fingertips were placed on his temple. Dr. Lee quietly excused herself from the room, knowing that the young couple needed to discuss her diagnosis. As the door clicked shut, Lulu turned around to face her husband.

"Johnny…" she started but he shook his head.

"No… there's absolutely no way that I'm going to let you risk your life, Lulu…" he said.

She rose to her feet and walked over to where he was standing. She knew that this would be hard for him to accept but it was the only way and it would all be worth it when he held his newborn son or daughter in his arms for the first time. She reached out to hold his face in her hands. The slight stubble that lined his chin gently prickled her fingers as they ran over his face. He tried to break away from her hold, knowing that it was his weakness, but she held him firmly in her hands.

"Lu…" he whispered.

His voice was soft and weak, almost like he was begging her to not pursue this. She knew that he was scared. She meant everything to him like he meant everything to her. His hands came to her waist as he drew her into his arms. She stroked his cheeks lovingly and he pressed his forehead to hers.

"There is still a chance that I could carry to term without any complications… we could have the baby that we've wanted for so long…" she said.

"I want family, Lulu… I do… and I want you to be the mother of my children and we can still do that. We can adopt or get a surrogate…" he said.

"No!" she cried.

She tore away from her husband's embrace as the tears started to well up in her eyes again. He knew how important it was to her to be a mother. She never thought that she ever wanted to be a mother but everything had changed when she fell in love with Johnny. She began to imagine a life and a future with him and he felt the same way about her.

They had both been lost souls before finding each other.

Johnny's hands came to her shoulders and she felt his body against the contour of her back. Was it so wrong of her to want to carry his child? It was probably the deepest and most profound expression of love that she would ever make to Johnny, to carry a piece of him inside of her for nine months and deliver it into the world. She would love him and their baby for the rest of her life.

"I can't—I can't let some other woman carry our baby, Johnny. This is something that I want to give to you. I want to feel our baby grow inside of me. I want to feel your hand on my stomach when he or she first kicks." Lulu started.

"But you could die…" he whispered.

He buried his face into her curls and she heard what sounded like a small sob pass over his lips. Her hand clenched his, reminding him that she wasn't dead and she wasn't planning on dying anytime soon. They had promised each other a lifetime together and she wasn't about to give up on that just yet. She turned around and wrapped her arms around him, allowing him to hold her for a few moments as he calmed himself down.

"But I could be ok… and we could finally have that baby that we've been wanting for so long…" she said, trying to sway Johnny one last time.

"Lulu, I love you… more than anything that I have ever known and I can live without having a family of our own... but I—I can't live without you." Johnny said.


	2. Love Is Not Enough

**A/N**: I know that this chapter is very very **VERY** late but I'm headed into finals week (yikes!) so I've been a bit distracted with studying and prepping for the end of the school year. The next chapter will probably be a bit tardy as well but after I'm done with school, I'm putting all of my energy into cranking out installments of this story :) Happy reading and don't forget to leave a comment. Comments = Love.

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**Chapter 2 – Love Is Not Enough**

"Lulu?"

Johnny sighed as no response came from the other side of their bedroom door. Things had never been this bad between the two of them. Sure they fought, before and after they got married, but it was different this time. It wasn't over petty things like his eye lingering too long on one of the waitresses at the casino that he owned in the Caribbean or her neglecting to tell him that she was buying twenty-five thousand dollars worth of new designer furniture.

It was their very lives that they were fighting for.

"So I assume that you're not going to come downstairs for breakfast any time soon?" he asked.

He heard muffled footsteps from the other side of the room and then the loud slamming of the door that led to their bathroom, clearly a very resounding no from his wife. Johnny pressed his forehead to the door as the faint sound of the shower filled his ears. The weight of defeat was heavy on his shoulders as he walked back downstairs and saw the elaborate spread that he had made for the two of them. It had been their tradition on Sundays to have breakfast together in the mornings and talk about everything. Even after they had a huge fight the night before, they always had breakfast together and by the time the last bit of food had been consumed, all would be forgiven and forgotten.

Perhaps, things couldn't be mended with omelettes and cantaloupe.

He took a seat at the dining room table and poured himself a cup of coffee. Even after all of his hard work, he couldn't even bring himself to eat a bite of the meal that he had just put together. Suddenly, he heard footsteps coming downstairs and he looked up to see Lulu standing at the opposite end of the table. He offered her a meek smile as she stood behind the chair across from him.

"I made all of your favorites…" he said, quietly.

He watched as her eyes roamed over the table. He had made spinach and mushroom omelettes, bacon and fresh coffee. Bowls of cantaloupe, melon and grapes, her favorite fruits, sat next to a pitcher of freshly squeezed orange juice that he had picked up from her favorite bakery along with croissants. As a finishing touch, a vase of white lilies sat in the middle of the table.

"You even bought my favorite flowers…" she muttered.

"You had a bouquet of them when we got married…" he said.

She smiled slightly at the memory as she took a seat. He poured her a cup of coffee and just stared at her as she began to put things on her plate. They didn't speak much as they both ate but gradually, he felt the tension start to melt away and by the time that Lulu went to clear the table, she pressed a kiss to her husband's forehead.

"What are your plans for the day?" he asked.

"Maxie's been on me to go shopping with her for weeks and I've been putting it off. I told her that we could go check out that new shopping center." Lulu replied.

She looked away from him as she spoke and Johnny knew the real reason why she had been avoiding Maxie. She was about four months pregnant and was starting to show. She and Spinelli had found out that they were having a girl and wouldn't stop talking about it. And of course Lulu played the part of the supportive best friend flawlessly. She had already offered to throw Maxie's baby shower and Maxie had already bestowed the title of godmother upon Lulu. But Johnny knew that inside, Lulu was slowly dying as she watched her best friend prepare for her new baby, never letting anyone know but him how much pain she was in.

"Would you meet me for dinner later? Just the two of us?" he asked and she smiled.

"At Chadwicks?" she asked and he chuckled.

"Wherever you want to go… I'll meet you back here at eight?" Johnny asked.

She nodded as she neared him. She put her hands on his shoulders as he gazed up into her face lovingly. She gave him a lingering kiss goodbye before starting towards the door. As she reached for her car keys that she left on his desk, her entire stance froze. He watched her pick up a pamphlet that he had gotten from Dr. Lee's office that was titled "What You Need to Know About Adoption."

"What the hell is this?" she asked.

"What?" he asked.

"This!" she said, holding up the pamphlet.

He groaned, knowing that this was the start of another fight. Lulu didn't even want to hear a single thing about adoption or surrogacy. He knew that she wanted a family with him and he wanted one with her too but not at the expense of her health or her life.

"I've been doing some research about our alternatives and—" he began but Lulu immediately threw the reading material into the trash.

"I don't want to see any of this garbage in my house…" she hissed.

"Lu, you're not being realistic here…" he said.

"I don't feel like having a fight about this with you right now. Maxie's waiting for me…" she said.

She was at her wit's end with the incessant arguing and he could tell that she was tired. She was tired of this stalemate that they were in and he was too. He sighed heavily as she picked up her purse and headed out the door. If their marriage was going to survive, one of them had to yield to the other. She would have to give up the one thing that she wanted more than anything else in the world or he would have to be willing to risk her life in order to bring their child into the world.

As he contemplated this, his heart sank, knowing that his marriage was doomed.

* * *

Lulu threw her all of her anger and frustration behind the wheel of her car as she sped across town to Maxie's. She was so mad at Johnny that she could barely even think straight. The fact that he had made her all of her favorites for breakfast, bought her flowers and had been super sweet to her this morning just made it worse when she found that stuff on adoption.

He had no faith in her at all.

Time and time again, she had told him what it would mean to her to carry his child and every single time the subject would get brought up, he would shut down. Of course she had always been the optimist and he the pessimist in their relationship but this was just taking it a step too far. She pulled into the driveway of Maxie's palatial estate and parked. She composed herself, getting her anger into check, before climbing out of the car. Maxie and Spinelli knew nothing of the Zacchara's marital problems and she wanted to keep it that way.

"Greetings, Original Blonde One!"

Lulu smiled as she heard Spinelli's voice. He was standing next to his own car, keys in hand. He must've pulled into the driveway after she did. Spinelli came over to her and embraced her warmly.

"What brings you to our humble abode?" he asked.

"Maxie and I are going shopping…" she sighed.

"A less than enthused response from the blonde one… is everything alright?" he asked.

And she couldn't pretend anymore. The tears sprung to her eyes and she began sobbing, letting forth all of the tears and the anguish that seemed to never ebb. She was just so tired of convincing people that she was happy and perfect because she wasn't. She was coming apart and she didn't know how to put herself back together.

"No…" she sobbed.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

"Me and Johnny… things—things aren't going so well…" she said.

"What are you talking about? You and the mob prince always seem so happy and enamored with each other…" Spinelli said.

"I want to have a baby…" she said.

She wanted that perfect mix of her and Johnny in her arms. Ever since the thought of having children popped into her head, she dreamt about the children that she would have. She wondered if they would be charming and adventurous like Johnny or passionate and opinionated like her. She pictured Johnny sitting side by side with their child at the piano, playing duets and laughing together. She imagined taking their child to the villa in Italy and riding bikes and running around in the tall grass. How was that so wrong?

"And Johnny doesn't?" he asked.

"He does… he does just as much as I do, Spinelli… and we've been trying for two years…" she started.

"And still nothing?" he asked and Lulu shook her head somberly.

"About two months ago, we went to see Dr. Lee and she told me that it would be difficult for me to conceive a child and if I did, it would be hard for me to sustain the pregnancy… and then there's a chance that if I did get pregnant, it could be fatal." Lulu said.

"Oh my…" he whispered.

"And of course Johnny doesn't want to take the risk… he doesn't even want to consider the fact that I could be ok and we could have the baby that we've been praying for and it's—it's tearing us apart, Spinelli…" she cried.

All of the fights and the tears came back and Lulu wailed again. A baby was supposed to bring her and Johnny together, not tear the two of them apart. Her tears began to subside as she felt Spinelli's hand come to her back in an attempt to soothe his oldest friend.

"Lulu, you must understand that the mob prince's concern is not unfounded. If Maximista were the one with a precarious pregnancy, the Jackal would be would be equally worried…" he said.

She knew that Spinelli was right and Johnny did have a right to be concerned but deep in her heart, she knew that she could handle it. She knew that she could give him the child that they both wanted so badly. As long as he was by her side, she could do anything.

"Lulu!"

The sound of Maxie's voice rang as clear as a bell and Lulu quickly wiped her eyes. Maxie hugged her and gave her a warm smile, which Lulu returned as well. True to her unobservant nature, Maxie didn't seem to notice the look of concern in her husband's eyes or the fact that Lulu's eyes were still red and watery. She kissed Spinelli goodbye and climbed into the car.

"I'm so glad that you finally agreed to come with me…" Maxie squealed and Lulu laughed bitterly.

"Trust me, I need a distraction." Lulu said.

* * *

He was losing his wife.

Johnny could feel it in his bones and it was a horrible feeling too. His biggest fear was to fail Lulu and he couldn't help but to feel like that was what he was doing. She cried more than she smiled now and they fought more than they made love. He wasn't making her happy and it was killing him. He wished that he could be less selfish but he couldn't. He couldn't give her what she wanted because she wanted him to be ok with the fact that he could lose her.

_And he could never be ok with that._

The roar of Lulu's car pulling into the driveway shook him out of his daze and he immediately made his way through the house to meet her. He pushed the front door open and there she stood, beautiful and perfect as always. They stood there for a moment, gazing into each other's eyes, saying nothing but saying everything at the same time. She then dropped her shopping bags and threw her arms around his neck. Even after all of the fights and the saying of things that neither of them meant, they still loved each other. He quickly swept her up into his arms and carried her inside. He hastily signaled to one of his guards to bring his wife's shopping bags inside as he felt Lulu's tongue swirl around on a bare patch of skin on his neck.

He needed to have her right now.

They made their way upstairs, shutting the door behind them and as soon as he set her down on their bed, she immediately began tearing at his clothes. The one upside to fighting, and it was the only upside, was that the makeup sex that he and Lulu had was always mind-blowing.

"Wait…" he muttered.

"No…" she groaned as she pulled him down back on top of her.

"I just need to get something…" he said in between kisses.

He reached over to his nightstand and pulled the drawer open. Lulu rose and began kissing his jaw, an effort to sway him. He laughed as he blindly fished around his drawer until his fingertips hit the small plastic package that he was looking for. As soon as Lulu's eyes fell to the item in Johnny's hands, the tears rushed to her eyes and she turned away from him, burying her face into her hands and sobbing like he had never heard before. He looked at his wife, curled up beneath him, wondering how things had turned so sharply. He looked from her to the thing in his hand and grimaced.

A condom.

He sighed and sat up, tossing the flimsy little package that had upset her so much aside. She hadn't been on the pill since they had started trying to have a baby and she flat out refused to take it after her visit to Dr. Lee's office.

"Lu… Lulu… come on now… don't do this… there's no need to get upset…" he said, gently stroking her hair.

"Is it so wrong of me to want to have your baby?" she sobbed.

He immediately rose to his feet and shrugged on his shirt. No matter what he did, everything always came back to the baby. He couldn't do anything right as far as she was concerned. Everything that he did or didn't do just made her even more upset and he couldn't take it any longer.

"We've been through this, Lulu…" he started.

"No! No, we haven't! You've just decided that we can't have a baby and to hell with what I want and what I think!" she cried.

"And you want to completely disregard what I want?" he fired back.

He tore his eyes away from her, unwilling to look at her coming apart again. He hated that he was making her so unhappy but what choice did he have? He felt her body press against his back and her hands clinging to his shirt. With every breath that she took as she cried, his heart broke.

"You know that I want to have your baby more than anything else in the world…" she whispered.

She didn't understand what she was asking of him. She didn't know how dark his world would go if she were to die. He could feel his own tears roll down his face as he turned to face her and he saw her eyes widened as she took in his appearance. He could count on one hand the amount of times that he allowed himself to cry in front of her. Perhaps this was the only way to get through to her.

"How can you be so selfish?" he whispered.

"What?" she asked.

"You haven't—you haven't even considered what would happen to me if you—" he started.

He couldn't even bring himself to finish his sentence because it was just unfathomable to think about. She couldn't die. He wouldn't let it happen. She reached out to hold his face in her hands and he sighed at her touch. Her hands felt like silk against his skin. He couldn't lose this. He loved her and the life that they had together within these four walls. How could he ever live with himself if he was the one who was responsible for her death?

"I'll be ok…" she said but he shook his head.

"You don't know that! You're ignoring the very real chance that you won't survive this pregnancy and I—how am I supposed to go on without you?" he cried.

"I know that you're scared…" she started.

With that, he broke away from her grasp. Scared wasn't even the adequate word to describe the terror that was taking a hold of him. He had been alone for most of his life and when he found Lulu, his life changed forever. His life was inexplicably intertwined and dependent on hers. Her happiness was his happiness, her sorrow was his sorrow, and her death would surely bring about his, mentally and emotionally and most likely a slow and agonizing physical one.

"Scared? Of course I'm scared, Lulu! I'm scared to death that I'm going to lose you if you have this baby!" he cried.

"It shouldn't just be your call, Johnny…" she whispered.

"I won't be the one to kill you… so if you want to have a baby so badly, you'll have to do it without me…" he said.

He regretted the words as soon as they rolled off his tongue and the coldness of his tone registered on his wife's horrified face. He tried to reach for her but she backed away as silent tears rolled down her face. She turned away from him and retreated into their bathroom. He had done some pretty horrible things in his life but none of those things carried the same weight as this. All he wanted was to make her happy and he had failed. He had failed because he loved her too much to let anything happen to her. He put his head in his hands and sighed heavily as the sound of the bathroom door slamming shut rang through his ears.

_He had just lost his wife._


	3. Stay

**A/N**: Guess who's out of school now? ME! Ha! So this is the first of many _intense_ chapters. I'm actually pleased with the way that it came out. It's on the shorter side but it's necessary stuff in order to keep the ball rolling with this story. I hope you guys like this one. Happy reading and don't forget to leave a comment!

* * *

**Chapter 3 – Stay**

"Mr. Zacchara… there's a Maxie Jones for you…"

Johnny turned his attention to the intercom and winced, bringing his fingertips to the base of his neck to massage the crick in his neck. He had slept on the couch downstairs in the living room the night before and he was paying the price for it this morning at the office. Maxie pushed the double doors to his office open and strode to his desk.

"Are you **trying** to wreck your marriage on purpose?" Maxie cried, slamming her Fendi purse on top of his desk.

Johnny groaned and put his head in his hands. He had no desire to deal with Maxie and her theatrics but Lulu had obviously let Maxie in on their marital problems. Maxie took a seat in front of Johnny's desk and he couldn't help but to notice how she folded her arms carefully on top of her constantly growing stomach and he sighed.

_Fate was a cruel bitch sometimes…_

He tore his eyes away from his friend's stomach and cleared his throat uneasily. Maxie and Spinelli were his best friends and he loved them dearly but it was so hard for him to watch as they prepared for their new baby. He and Lulu had become consummate actors as they played the parts of the devoted Aunt Lulu and Uncle Johnny.

"I'm assuming that you spoke to Lulu…" he muttered.

"Spoke to Lulu? I just spent two hours on the phone with her and she was in tears, Johnny. I've never heard her that bad before…" she said.

He shook his head. She had no idea how bad it really was. It didn't even matter how much his wife had actually confided in her best friend. Maxie would never understand how much Lulu was hurting. He sighed heavily, hating the feeling of being useless. All he wanted to do was to take away her pain. As her husband, that was what he was supposed to do. He had promised to love her with everything that he had and to make sure that she would never be in any pain and he couldn't.

_Maybe his father had a point when he had said that he was the world' biggest screw-up. _

"What did she say?" he asked quietly and Maxie sighed and put a hand on her hip.

"She said that she was thinking about getting a divorce." Maxie said.

He slumped over his desk, burying his face in his hands and not even bothering to muffle the sound of him crying. He heard Maxie pull out the chair that was in front of his desk and when he finally looked back up, her eyes were wide in shock at his despair. She gently reached out and put her hand on his shoulder, a feeble attempt to comfort him.

"I can't do it, Maxie… I can't lie to her and say that I'm ok with the odds that she'll die from this pregnancy… I just can't…" he sobbed.

"Have you told her all of this?" she asked and he nodded.

"Of course I have… but she—she won't listen…" he lamented.

He knew that he was being selfish and Lulu had told him a number of times but it still didn't change the fact that he was not about to let her die. At times, Johnny couldn't help but to think that his wife didn't understand the depths to which he loved her. If he could give his own life for her and her happiness, he would. But this world was not that kind to allow him that one thing so he did everything that he possibly could to protect her and keep her safe and whole. She was already a target because of his line of work and he could protect her from his enemies but to have her die from trying to bring his child into the world would be something that he could never forgive himself for.

"This is ridiculous… you two love each other more than anything else in the world. You have to work this out…" Maxie said, shaking her head.

"I can't live without her…" he said.

"And I know that Lulu can't live without you either… she loves you so much and that's why she wants this baby…" she said, trying to explain his wife's rationale to him.

"I know that she loves me and I will always love her… even—even if she can't carry our child. I don't need a child to be happy… I just need her…" he said.

"Then go to her and tell her that, Johnny… tell her that until your face turns blue! Keep telling her that until she believes you because right now, she's convinced that there's no hope for your marriage…" she cried.

For once, the words that came out of her mouth weren't her usual airheaded and self-centered thoughts and she was right. He needed to fight for his marriage. They had fought tooth and nail to be together and he was not about to let her walk out on him. He quickly pushed the button on his intercom, barking orders at his guards to bring the limo around to the front of the building, and he grabbed his coat.

He would not lose his wife over this.

* * *

The bedroom was a mess. The door to the walk-in closet was wide open, revealing to anyone who saw that only one side, the side that was lined with Italian loafers and crisp suits, was still intact. Most of the contents of the closet were now sitting in two large Louis Vuitton suitcases that were sitting right before Lulu's eyes. She wiped yet another tear from her cheeks as she picked up a dress from that pile, folded it hastily and placed it into her bag.

"What do you think you're doing?"

Lulu looked up to see Johnny standing in the doorway, his eyes wide and chest heaving, as if he had ran from his office downtown back to their estate. She swallowed hard and looked away from him, unwilling to let him see how much this was killing her inside to do. If she was going to do this, she had to be strong.

"I'm leaving you, Johnny…" she said, her voice wavering slightly.

She heard his footsteps draw closer to her and flinched as he grabbed her wrist and turned her around to face him. His eyes bore into her like a wildfire and she felt helpless as she felt his own body heat emanating from his skin and she smelled the sweet scent of the cologne that she had bought him for his birthday. He drew her into him, lips almost touching and never breaking their gaze.

"You don't want to leave…" he whispered.

"I don't have a choice... we can't make each other happy anymore… I can't give you a child and you're not willing to even try…" she sobbed.

He bowed his head slightly, letting his forehead touch hers, and he exhaled shakily. She prayed that he wouldn't kiss her because she wouldn't have the strength to deny him. As his hands slid up the sides of her arms, her neck and finally up to cup her face in his strong hands, she could feel her heart pound against her chest, wanting more of him but also wanting to break away from him.

"Don't do this, Lulu… please…" he begged.

His voice was strained, fighting back the urge to break down, and she could hear herself screaming on the inside that she wanted to stay. But he wanted to have her deny what she wanted more than anything in this world. She let out a small sob and tore away from his arms, returning to packing the remainder of her belongings. He would never understand how much she wanted this baby.

_His baby_.

But he wouldn't even consider it. No matter what pretty picture she described to him about their family and the future they would have, all he could see was the chance that she could die. But Lulu knew that once that perfect little child was put into Johnny's arms, that sublime mixture of the two of them, he would fall in love. She slammed the suitcase shut and covered her mouth with one hand, stifling an oncoming sob.

"I'll be at the MetroCourt…" she said, picking up her bags.

She turned to walk to the door but stopped when she saw Johnny standing before her with silent tears streaming down his face. She fought the urge to drop all of her bags and to rush into his arms, kissing away all of the tears, and she quickly brushed past him. She never thought that it would come to this. After everything that had happened between them, this was the thing to tear them apart. Her tears began to blur her vision as she shakily reached for the doorknob.

"Do you still love me?" he cried.

His voice sounded so broken and lost that she felt her fingers go limp, sending her bags tumbling to the floor as she began sobbing. Loving someone this much couldn't have been healthy but she didn't care. She loved him with all of her heart and soul. He was the air in her lungs and the blood that coursed through her veins. He and the life that they had was the core of her very existence.

"Of course I do!" she wailed.

She barely had time to turn around before he came to her, pinning her against the door. She gasped as his body pressed against hers and his hands held her face, forcing her to look at him. His heart was beating wildly, in perfect harmony with the heavy breaths that she could feel on her skin.

"Then stay…" he pleaded.

And then she was kissing him. His mouth quickly moved south to her neck as his hands gently slid underneath her until he hoisted her up into his arms. She quickly wrapped her legs around his waist, allowing him to release her arms and to peel off his blazer. Her hands worked nimbly on the buttons of his black button-up shirt and he groaned and pressed himself against her as her fingertips grated along his chest. She had made up her mind about Johnny Zacchara a long time ago. When she first climbed into that car with him on that cool autumn night, she had bound herself to him for the rest of her life and she was a fool for ever thinking that she could walk away from that.

She loved him too damn much.

She nearly lost her mind when his hands slid up her thighs and underneath the skirt of her dress as he continued his work on her neck. She had never been with a man that could make her want to die of sheer want with just one kiss until Johnny took her to bed and needless to say, she had become addicted. She raised her arms as he lifted the dress over her head and tossed it on top of the forgotten pieces of luggage. He leaned in and kissed her slowly and sweetly, letting her savor the taste of his lips. She felt his arms encircle her and she felt him carry her back towards their bed. The comforter was cool beneath her back as he laid her down, his lips caressing hers. She whimpered as he gently broke their kiss but he ran his fingers along her face.

"I love you…" he whispered.

And that could be enough for her. She had him and the love that he felt for her was more than many people experienced in a lifetime. She could be content with the life that they had because the alternative was just unbearable to even fathom.

"I love you too…" she said.

A small smile crossed his lips before he kissed her again as the sense of urgency creeping back in. His hands smoothed over her thighs as hers drifted downwards to his belt buckle. Within a few moments, he was stepping out of his black slacks and crawling on top of her. She could feel him, firm but soft, against her and her body began to tremble in anticipation of feeling him inside of her.

"Please, Johnny… I need you…" she said.

He quickly stripped them of the rest of their clothing, needing to be with her as much as she needed him, and he buried himself deep inside of her. She arched her back, crying out his name, and he wrapped his arms around her, holding her close. They held each other there for a moment, reveling in their union and the fact that neither of them was willing to give up on the other. She felt his breath hitch in the back of his throat as she layered kisses long his neck and shoulder and he slowly began moving his hips, creating that delicious friction that they both craved. His lips came to her, leaving a trail of hot kisses in their wake until the strain was too much for him.

"Oh god, Lu… I don't—I don't think I can—" he panted.

His face was inches from hers and she could feel every ragged breath that left his body against her face and she knew that he was close. Little beads of sweat lined his forehead, showing signs that his control was starting to ebb. She rose slightly to meet his lips and she kissed him slowly.

"It's ok…" she whispered but he shook his head.

"No… not without you…" he muttered.

With that, he rolled over onto his back so that she was straddling his waist. She braced herself against the smooth planes of his chest as she set the pace of their lovemaking. She ground her hips repeatedly onto him and she felt his grip on her thighs tighten with every move, meeting her body with eager thrusts. She could feel that warmness in her core begin to grow until she couldn't hold it back any longer. His name was on her lips as her release rippled throughout her entire body, sending Johnny over the edge as well. She felt him still inside of her as he let himself go. As her heart began to return to its normal rhythm, she leaned over and kissed him and she let him bring her back down to their bed.

"Sleep, my love… I'll be here when you wake up…" she whispered, noticing that her husband was fighting the urge to sleep.

He closed his eyes and she gently pressed a kiss to each lid. She gently stroked his hair until she felt his body relax and drift off to sleep. She covered their bodies in their comforter and snuggled against him. His skin was slightly sticky from making love but he was warm and still smelled like that cologne that she loved on him. If this was all that they were going to have, to make love like this and to fall asleep in each other's arms every day, she would be content because they would still have each other. Life wasn't perfect and neither was their marriage.

But she still loved it all the same.

* * *

Johnny felt the softness of Lulu's fingertips gently threading through his hair. She was pressed tightly against him, letting every contour of her back mold with his body. His face was buried into the crook of her neck, inhaling the sweet mixture of her shampoo and him. She giggled softly as he trailed kisses up her shoulder and neck, basking in the afterglow and her husband's affection.

"You can just about talk me into anything…" she chuckled.

But he didn't laugh along with her. That moment that he watched her walk away from him was the longest of his life. He had stared down the barrel of a gun more times than he cared to remember and he didn't even flinch but seeing the woman that he loved almost walk away from him and out of their life together was the most terrifying thing that he had ever experienced. He held her closer, burying his nose into her golden curls, and he felt her hand caress the side of his face before she turned around to face him.

"What's wrong?" she asked, gently smoothing her hands across his features.

He looked down at her chest, tracing her collarbone with his fingertips and then moving down to the lightning bolt necklace that hung beautifully against her peach skin. He was no good at feelings before Lulu came into his life and now he was practically drowning in them. He often joked that she had ruined him and made him soft but it was only for her. Only she would have this sort of power over him, to make him want to stop living if she wasn't right beside him.

"You can never leave me, Lulu…" he said quietly, finally lifting his eyes to hers.

She pressed her forehead to his and grasped his hands, telling him what he needed to hear without words. She was his heart and she could never leave him, not by death or by walking out. It just couldn't happen. He exhaled as she lovingly peppered kisses on his face.

"I'm never going to leave you, Johnny… I promise…" she whispered.


	4. Perfect Love, Gone Wrong

**A/N**: I'm sorry that this chapter is SUPER late but I had company over my house and I had to entertain so that didn't leave very much time for writing but this is a long long long long LONG chapter… and it's a very HEAVY chapter too. This is like angst to the eight millionth power and I had so much fun writing it :) Happy reading and leave a comment! Also, I hope everyone has a very happy, fun and safe Memorial Day weekend!

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**Chapter 4 – Perfect Love… Gone Wrong**

Death.

That is what she felt like. Lulu opened her eyes and saw that her clock read nine-thirty. The spot beside her in bed was empty as the sound of the shower filled her ears. She curled up underneath her covers as another wave of nausea rolled over her body and she willed herself to not actually throw up on their freshly laundered sheets. She had been feeling off for the past few days, brushing it off as something bad that she had eaten but something inside of her was saying that this was no case of food poisoning.

"Lulu?" she heard Johnny call out to her from the bathroom.

"Yeah?" she croaked.

"The phone's ringing…" he replied.

Her limbs trembled as she reached over to their nightstand and picked up the cordless handset. The caller ID displayed Maxie's name and number and Lulu groaned. She was not in the mood to speak to anyone but Maxie had proven herself to be a good friend. It was at her urging that Johnny fight for their marriage and the past six weeks had been nothing short of amazing since that.

"Hello?" Lulu asked, pressing the phone up to her ear.

"Ugh, Lulu… you sound horrible…" Maxie muttered and Lulu just rolled her eyes.

"Oh thanks, Maxie… that's just what I needed to hear…" Lulu grumbled.

"And you're sure that it was just something bad that you ate?" Maxie asked.

"I'm pretty sure…" Lulu sighed.

And for once, Maxie Jones went silent. It wasn't like Maxie to just stop talking, especially when Lulu was sick. She either would've been on Lulu to go to the doctor's office or to berate her for being lazy and not wanting to get out of the house.

"Lulu…" Maxie started, her voice suddenly turning serious.

"What?" Lulu snapped.

"Have you taken a pregnancy test?" Maxie asked.

It couldn't be.

She couldn't be.

She had just come to terms with the reality that she would never be able to have children of her own. She had made peace with it and it was hard to do but she had done it because she had Johnny by her side, loving her through it. It was too early for her to contemplate other options just yet and he had assured her that he was fine with waiting another six months to a year to start a family.

But everything was different now.

Lulu quickly told her friend to come and get her before hanging up the phone as Johnny emerged from the bathroom. He gave her a loving kiss on the forehead before getting dressed for work. She didn't dare tell Johnny Maxie's suspicions that she might be pregnant. She didn't want to say anything until she knew for certain. Luckily, Maxie's driver pulled into the Zacchara's driveway moments after Johnny departed for work.

"Listen to me, you tell Dr. Lee that she needs to squeeze Mrs. Zacchara in right now or I will go to the board and—fifteen minutes? We'll be there…" Maxie barked into her cell phone.

The two friends were sitting comfortably in the backseat of Maxie's town car. Maxie had just purchased a new BMW convertible but Spinelli and his ever present nerves wouldn't let her drive it because of her pregnancy so he hired a driver to take Maxie wherever she wanted to go as a consolation prize. Lulu just stared out the window, watching the buildings flash by as they entered downtown Port Charles, and she gasped when she felt Maxie's hand come to hers.

"Lulu? Lulu, listen to me… it's going to be ok…" Maxie said in a feeble attempt to calm her friend down.

"I accepted it, Maxie… I accepted the fact that I would never carry a child of my own and now—" Lulu started.

"And now you're going to the doctor's office to check. We're just going to get the facts… there's no need to freak out yet…" Maxie assured her.

Lulu inhaled deeply, trying to calm herself down because Maxie was right. There was no reason to panic until she had all of the facts in front of her. Until then, she had to remain calm. Maxie put her arm around her best friend as they entered the hospital building and headed straight for Dr. Lee's office. All the while, Lulu's mind was in a fog as she sat in that silent waiting room, holding onto her friend's hand for dear life.

Could she?

After all of this time, could she really be pregnant?

When the nurse came to take her in, Lulu asked Maxie to stay in the waiting room and after much protesting on Maxie's part, she finally relented. Lulu could barely sit still as she was examined by the young doctor. When she was finished with the exam, she sat up as Dr. Lee scribbled on her clipboard.

"Well? Am I pr—" Lulu started but she couldn't even bring herself to finish the word.

"You are pregnant, Lulu… about six weeks along…" Dr. Lee said.

And for the first time in a very long time, the tears in Lulu's eyes were not of sadness but of joy. Years of pain and anguish and hoping and wishing for a child had finally paid off because a miracle had just occurred. She put her hands on her stomach, where hers and Johnny's child would grow, and smiled. That night, six weeks ago, when she and Johnny had almost lost each other was when their child was conceived. She knew it in her heart that was when they had made their baby. They had to almost lose each other to create something so pure and beautiful and out of their love for each other.

"I know that you've wanted this baby for a long time now and as your doctor I am obligated to tell you the risks that you would be taking if you decide to proceed with this pregnancy." Dr. Lee said.

"I completely understand the risks but there's—there's no way that I'm not going to have this baby… my husband and I have waited too long for this little one…" Lulu cooed as she gingerly rubbed her stomach.

Dr. Lee nodded and exited the exam room after instructing Lulu to make a follow-up appointment. Lulu dressed quickly, anxious to get home to share the beautiful news with her husband.

"Well?"

Lulu looked up and saw Maxie standing in the doorway. Her eyes were wide, waiting for confirmation about her condition, and all she could do was smile.

"Looks like we'll be raising our kids together after all…" Lulu said.

Maxie screamed and threw her arms around Lulu. Lulu was never the one for overly dramatic displays of emotion but finding out that she was pregnant was cause to act giddy.

"Oh my god! Oh my god, Lulu! You're pregnant! You're actually pregnant!" Maxie cried.

Maxie only knew a sliver of the pain that Lulu had been grappling with for the past two years. She didn't know how many negative pregnancy tests she read or how many tears she shed when all seemed lost in her quest to conceive a child. However, all of that didn't even matter now because in this moment, she was pregnant with Johnny's child. She had everything that she could ever want.

"When are you going to tell Johnny?" Maxie asked.

"Tonight… I bought a whole bunch of stuff to cook for dinner so I'm going to tell him over dinner…" Lulu said.

"Not to kill your buzz or anything but how do you think Johnny's going to take this? I mean, you two almost did break up because of the hypothetical and now this baby is real and it'll be here… do you think he'll be ok with this?" Maxie asked.

And all Lulu could do was smile at her friend's question. She and Johnny were in a good place now and he wanted a family with her just as much as she wanted one with him. They already knew that they couldn't live without each other and this baby would make them closer than ever.

"I know my husband, Maxie… once he realizes that we're both getting what we want, he'll be over the moon… I just know it." Lulu said.

* * *

Johnny couldn't deny that there had been an extra spring in his step for the past month and a half. Things between him and Lulu had been so bad that they had contemplated separating and just thinking about it had been enough to scare them both straight and to truly decide what they could live with and what they couldn't.

And needless to say, they both came to the conclusion that they couldn't live without each other.

Johnny clicked on the alarm to his Maserati and headed towards the house. As he opened the door, he could hear the clanging of pots and pans and he could smell the aroma of roasted chicken. He smiled and shrugged off his blazer as he heard the faint sound of his wife humming from the kitchen. He treaded lightly, not wanting to alert her to his presence. Her hair was pulled back into a ponytail, letting her golden curls hang elegantly down her back and she had a serene smile on her face as she moved agilely through the kitchen. He always knew that he had the prettiest wife in Port Charles but something was different about her tonight.

She was glowing.

He found himself drawing closer to her, fixated on how perfect she was as she prepared dinner. He must've made a noise because she looked up sharply and gasped. However, as soon as she laid eyes on him, a smile broke across her face and she began to chuckle.

"Oh my god! How long have you been standing there?" she laughed, putting her hand over her heart.

"Long enough to know that I'm the luckiest man alive to have you as a wife…" he said.

She wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him down to her for a lingering kiss. Her lips were so soft and smooth against his own that he groaned when she pulled back, unwilling to release her from their kiss. He gave her a small peck on her nose, making her laugh again and he relished that sweet melodic sound.

"You're cooking?" he asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Yes, I am cooking… got a problem with that, Zacchara?" she asked.

"No… not at all… in fact, seeing you like this… acting domesticated… it's pretty hot…" he muttered.

His arms pulled her in closer, melding their bodies together, and he kissed her hard. He backed her against the kitchen counter and quickly hoisted her up so that she was sitting on top and he was standing in between her legs. A wicked glint flickered in her eye and she pulled him by his shirt to kiss her again. Suddenly, the pot of rice that Lulu had put on began to bubble and overflow and they both started laughing. Johnny quickly removed the pot from the stovetop while Lulu turned off the fire.

"Now look at what you did! You need to get out of here and let me finish before I burn down this kitchen… everything will be ready in fifteen minutes… go wash your hands…" she laughed, pointing out of the kitchen.

She playfully pushed him out of the kitchen and he heeded his wife's request and washed his hands. When he headed into the dining room after the fifteen minutes that Lulu had given him to get ready, he was met with an elaborate spread, complete with candles and the very expensive French china that Nikolas had bought for them as a wedding present. He looked across the table and saw Lulu sitting down with a serene smile.

"Wow, this is quite a setup…" he said as he took his seat.

"I just wanted to do something special for you… because I love you… so much, Johnny…" she said.

"I love you too…" he said, taking her hand in his.

He played with her fingers for a moment, enjoying the feeling of her slim digits in his hand. His thumb ran over the ring on her finger and she bit her bottom lip, trying to conceal a smile. What had he done to deserve this angel sitting before him? She was perfect in every single way that it was almost frightening at times. He never thought that he deserved good things in his life. He had accepted the fact that he had been dealt with a bad hand from birth with his father's mental instability and the death of his mother by his father's hands. However, when Lulu came into his life, he had begun to hope for the best.

"Would you like some wine?" he asked, pointing to the bottle of their favorite red wine that was sitting on the table, and he caught a glimpse of a smile on Lulu's lips.

"No, I shouldn't have any wine…" she chuckled.

"Are you sure?" he asked.

"Yes… actually, I have something that I want to tell you…" she said.

Her voice suddenly went very soft and he looked up and saw that tears had sprung to her eyes. He hadn't seen her cry since that night that she almost left him and things had been so good between them that it was almost impossible to fathom that she was still unhappy. Either that or she was a better actress than she had been letting on. Almost out of instinct, he immediately rushed to her side and clutched her hands tightly.

"Are you—are you ok?" he asked.

"I'm—I'm better than ok… Johnny, _I'm pregnant_…" she cried.

He was not ready for that answer.

Words failed Johnny in that moment. He could feel his throat contract, as if the words were squeezing it like a vice grip. His mind was swimming in emotion as the sentence registered with him. As the shock wore off, one emotion resonated profoundly inside of his heart.

Betrayal.

He felt like he had just been punched in the stomach. After everything that had happened, after everything that they had gone through to build back this trust and to reaffirm their love for one another, she was pregnant. They had finally moved on from the idea of not being able to naturally have children of their own and they had accepted it and now she was going to throw away their life together for this pregnancy.

This wasn't going to happen.

"Say something, Johnny…" she said.

"How could you do this to me?" he said, finally finding his voice.

"How could I do this to you? This is—this is what we've wanted, Johnny!" she cried.

"No! This is what you wanted!" he fired back as he stood up.

The sharpness of his voice was reflected in the pain in her eyes when she looked at him and a small part of him did want to take them back. He hated hurting her even if it was what she needed to hear. But this was their lives that he was fighting to save. He needed her like oxygen and he couldn't let her throw it all away.

"You told me that you wanted a family… that you wanted me to be the mother of your children… did you change your mind?" she sobbed.

"Of course not! I want you to be the mother of my children! How could you even ask me that?" he shouted.

"Then what is it? We've been waiting for this for years and now that it's finally here, you don't want it?" she asked.

"How can I want something that can kill you, Lulu?" he cried.

She put her head in her hands and wailed, a heart-wrenching wail that made him almost burst into tears. He wanted to hold her until the pain stopped but he couldn't. He couldn't be ok with this pregnancy if it could kill her. He couldn't allow her to be so capricious with her life. When he married her, he wanted a lifetime and 'til death do us part did not mean less than five years of marriage.

"Why do you always assume the worst is going to happen? You don't know if this pregnancy will kill me or not!" she cried, looking up at him.

"And I'm not willing to take that chance! You can't have that baby!" he roared.

He didn't mean for it to come out that way.

The shock in her expression was a clear as day. He never liked to raise his voice to Lulu, especially after witnessing his father's erratic mood swings and how cruel he could be towards his mother. He never wanted to become his father but in some sort of awful way, he understood his father a little bit better. He understood the fear of losing the one that he loved and having that fear manifest itself in atrocious behavior.

"You don't—you don't mean that…" she whispered.

He couldn't do this, not now at least. Looking at her was just too much to bear right now. She was willing to give her life to have this baby and a part of himself loved her for that. He loved her because she was willing to give him the greatest gift that he could ever receive but he just couldn't let her potentially sacrifice herself to do it.

He was too damn selfish to do that.

He turned away from her and began walking towards the door, unable to continue on with this fight. There was no way that he could ever be ok with what she wanted to do. It didn't matter how much he wanted a baby of their own because he wanted a fully life with her more than a child. As Johnny neared the door, Lulu grasped his arm like a lifeline and held it tightly against her chest.

"No…" she sobbed, vehemently shaking her head.

"Let me go…" he growled.

"Johnny, please… just come back to the table and we'll sit down and talk this through…" she pleaded.

"I can't—I can't even look at you right now…" he said.

He wrenched his arm from her grasp, leaving her in a disheveled heap in their pristine dining room. He knew that he was hurting her but this was nothing compared to the pain that he would feel if she were to die. She was stronger than him. She could handle his line of work and his lifestyle because she could potentially handle the possibility of losing him and be ok. However, he was different. He knew how dark his mind went and he knew how dark it could go if she ever were to leave this world. He opened the front door, letting the cool air hit his face and sending a jolt through his body. He could hear the sound of her heels drawing closer from behind in one last attempt to sway him to her side.

But every action has its price.

And without even looking back, he shut the front door behind him, muffling the sound of Lulu's screams that were begging him to stay.

* * *

Lulu could barely see the road in front of her as she sped across town. It was dark and her never-ending flow of tears blurred her vision. As she pulled up to a red light, she put one hand on her stomach and wailed. How had things gone so wrong? This baby that was inside of her had been conceived in love, the purest and truest love that she had even known.

How could Johnny not see that?

And after she had found him and had begun to live the life that they had together, she wouldn't allow herself to die and leave him all alone. She loved him too much and she was too greedy to let their life go. The light turned green again and Lulu gently stepped on the gas, driving her Mercedes forward. She made a wide left turn onto Maxie's street and pushed forward on the long and winding road. When she pulled up to Maxie's house, Lulu immediately punched in the security code that Maxie had given her and pulled into the driveway when the gates opened. As Lulu climbed out of her car, Maxie was already at her door. She looked up at her friend and Maxie immediately knew that something wasn't right.

"What's wrong?" Maxie asked.

What wasn't wrong? It was wrong that Johnny didn't want this baby that was inside of her. It was wrong that he told her that she couldn't have this baby. It was wrong that he couldn't even think for one second that everything in this pregnancy could work out for the best. It was wrong that he had walked out tonight.

It was wrong that this was tearing their marriage apart.

"My marriage… it's really over this time…" Lulu sobbed.

* * *

Johnny didn't even flinch as the door to his office snapped shut. His mind was spinning, replaying the moments of that had just occurred. He probably could've handled the situation better. Well, he knew that he could've handled the situation better but the reality of the situation just hit him like a freight train.

His wife was pregnant and could possibly die.

The theoretical was frightening enough to turn him against Lulu but now that the theoretical was now a very real pregnancy, his past fear couldn't even measure up to the sheer terror that had caught a hold of his entire body. He had gone through some tough times in his life, brutal even, and he had come out ok. No, he was better than ok because he had Lulu to fix him. She had patched him up and made him shiny and new. She had made him complete and if he lost that? If he lost her?

It couldn't happen.

He had stopped dreaming about what it would be like if Lulu were to get pregnant with his child. He had stopped envisioning decorating the nursery or playing Beethoven or Chopin on the piano to her stomach so that their son or daughter would be acquainted with the masters. Dreams were for the weak, his father always said. People who dreamt about the things that they wanted in life were the cowards who were afraid to go after what it was that they wanted. His father was right about that. He was too scared to let himself want a baby with his wife because he was so afraid that he would lose her in the process. So he stopped dreaming about what it would be like to hold a baby with Lulu's eyes and his hair. He stopped dreaming about teaching their child how to ride a bike or taking him or her to school for the first time. He stopped thinking about proms, graduations and weddings. He took a seat at his desk and put his head in his hands, closing his eyes. All of those dreams that he had, they were now gone.

And all that he had left were the nightmares.

_He's in the morgue of General Hospital. He knows it's the morgue because he's had to identify people there before. The room is so silent that the only sound that he can hear is the sound of his own heart beating. In the center of the table is a large metal table and it's cold underneath his fingers when he touches it._

_Like death._

_A body lies on top of this table, eerily still, underneath a crisp white sheet. His eyes roam over the form. The person underneath must've been a petite person in life since the body was smaller in stature. As he nears the table, he notices the rounded stomach. He can feel his limbs shaking as he reaches to pull back the sheet. He wants to run away. He wants to leave this room and never come back but he can't. He pulls back the sheet quick, like a band-aid, and immediately all of the breath exits from his body._

"_No…" he sobs._

_Her skin is pale and her once pink lips are purple and ashen. Her eyes, ones that he could lose himself in for hours, were shut and her golden curls, ones that used to float freely in the wind, are tucked gently behind her head and shoulders. He gently gathers her into his arms and feeling the coldness of her body against his makes it all so much more real to him. He crushes her limp body to his chest, rocking her back and forth, weeping and begging her to come back but he knows that she won't. His brain knows that she's gone but his heart is unwilling to let it sink in. It would rather break into a million pieces than to accept that the love of his life was no longer present in the body that was in his arms. He continues to rock back and forth, holding her still body in his arms, tears continuously streaming down his face. This couldn't be happening. They have so much more life to live together. He opens his eyes and sees her stomach, her round and pregnant stomach, and that's when it hits him._

"_No! No! Lulu! No!" he shrieks._

_She's dead._

The sound of his own screams woke him up from his nightmare and he blinked furiously as his eyes adjusted to the dark office that he was sitting in instead of the morgue from his startling vision. He had the dream countless times and it never got easier to endure. It was so vivid in his mind, the coldness of her skin, the stillness of her body, the paleness in her cheeks. It was as if it were a premonition rather than a dream, like it was fated to happen. With shaky hands, Johnny wiped the tears from his eyes. He wouldn't allow his nightmare to become a reality.

It couldn't happen.


	5. Mad World

**A/N**: Yikes! This chapter is soooo late, I know! Bad bad me… so, this chapter isn't as long as I thought it would be but that's alright I guess… I'm just glad that it's done! Warning… the story is going to get heavier/darker from here on. Happy reading and don't forget to leave a comment!

* * *

**Chapter 5 – Mad World**

He shouldn't have walked out.

He had made her a promise to stick by her through anything and everything and he broke that vow. Hurting her was all that he seemed to be good at nowadays. There was a time where she couldn't stop smiling when she was near him and now it just seemed that all he was capable of was to make her cry. Johnny quickly pulled into his driveway, anxious to get to his wife and to work this out. He had only been gone for a few hours, just enough time to go to his office to clear his head and to have that horrific nightmare. Recounting the nightmare made him shudder as the garage door began to open and his heart slightly sank as he saw that the garage was empty. He pulled into his space and turned off the ignition, sighing heavily.

He didn't blame Lulu for leaving the house either.

She asked him, begged him even, to stay and he just walked away. He walked away because he couldn't deal with another argument that neither of them was going to win. He couldn't bear to look at that disappointed look in her eye when he told her that they couldn't have the baby that they both desperately wanted. What kind of man did that? What kind of man walked out on his wife, even if it was for a few hours? He sighed and shook his head, not knowing the answer to his own question. He dragged himself into the living room and flopped onto the couch. The scent of their ill-fated dinner slightly lingered in the air in the dark house, further dragging Johnny into his depression. If he lost Lulu over this, he didn't know what he would do. He couldn't think about a life without her.

They had to work this out.

Johnny's eyes immediately began to feel heavy, weary from fighting and worrying. He curled up on the couch, bringing his knees into his chest. He hadn't thought about what it would mean to not be with Lulu anymore, whether it was because of a choice to divorce or because of her death. Either way, he wasn't ready to find out. He tried to stay awake, waiting for her to come home so that they could work through this but his exhaustion mixed with the comfort of the couch quickly lulled him to sleep.

* * *

"You can stay here for the night if you'd like, Lulu…"

Lulu turned around and gave Maxie a small smile. She had been nothing short of amazing with all of the help and support that she gave to Lulu during this rough period of time. Lulu pushed open the front door of Maxie's house and was met with the pouring rain. It wasn't ideal driving weather, especially with the roads being somewhat rural in this area of the outskirts of town, and she wasn't looking forward to crossing the bridge over the river in the rain either. However, more pressing matters were at hand.

Like her marriage.

She hadn't expected Johnny to actually walk out after hearing the news about the baby but she should've known that he wouldn't have been pleased. She understood why he was scared. She would be lying if she said that she didn't carry a shred of fear inside of potentially leaving him. She loved him too much to make him a widower. She knew that she would never forgive herself for hurting him that way. However, something inside of her was telling her that everything would be fine and the fact that this little one that was growing inside of her was here now was surely a sign that she and Johnny were meant to be parents.

She just knew it.

Lulu backed out of the driveway, watching her friend wave from her front door step, and sighed. She envied Maxie and Spinelli sometimes. Everything just came so easily for them. Their marriage was pristine and they had a healthy baby on the way. They would never know an ounce of the pain that she and Johnny went through in their marriage. Spinelli would never walk away from Maxie because he didn't agree with the choices that she decided to make and Maxie would never drive Spinelli to his breaking point. Neither of them would ever have to worry about the other not coming home after a bad fight.

They made marriage look ridiculously easy.

Lulu wiped her eyes as she rounded a corner. The windshield wipers on her car weren't removing the rain fast enough from her eyesight and she squinted ahead, trying to see the road ahead of her and it probably wasn't helping that she was crying too. She was at her wits end with this baby situation. She wasn't making her husband happy and the more that this went on, the more she was convinced that she would never be able to do so. She thought that he would leave her because she wasn't able to give him children but he left because she was willing to do anything to make them parents.

She couldn't win either way.

Lulu made a wide left turn onto Eastbrook Bridge. The road was slick beneath her tires as she sped ahead. She just had to get home. What if Johnny had come back home? What if he thought that she wanted out of their life together? As she contemplated these thoughts, her foot instinctually pressed harder on the gas. They had worked too hard to get to where they were.

This was not how her marriage was going to end.

She had waited too long for a man like Johnny to come along and even when he did come into her life, it had taken them a while to figure out that they couldn't live without each other. It had taken her too long to realize that she wanted to marry him, to have his children, and to grow old with him and now that she had everything, she was not about to lose all of it.

She just hoped that she wasn't too late.

Lulu wiped her eyes again, trying to focus on the road, and she screamed. The wind had taken out a large branch from a nearby tree and was now sitting in the middle of the bridge. She quickly slammed on her brakes but instead of her car coming to a halt, the tires made a horrible screeching noise and continued towards the tree. Cold fear took hold of Lulu's heart as her car began to spin out of control. She tried to steady the car's direction with the steering wheel but the vehicle wouldn't steady.

"I'm sorry, Johnny… I'm so sorry…" she whispered.

Knowing that she was about to die didn't give Lulu much ease. That overwhelming sense of peace and acceptance that she had heard about didn't come. Instead, she was scared but not for herself. She was afraid of what would happen to Johnny. She hated herself for having to leave him and she knew that he would hate her for dying but perhaps it was better this way. Maybe with her gone, he could move on and find a woman who could give him everything that she couldn't. Lulu put her hand on her stomach, sorry that her little one would never get to know his or her father.

"I'm sorry too, baby…" she muttered.

She was able to swerve away from the tree but she ended up colliding with the guardrail on the side of the bridge. She could feel her hot tears spill down her face as her car overturned, falling into the darkness below.

* * *

"Spencer!"

Lucky Spencer reached over to grab his radio. He usually didn't work nights but he had picked up some extra night shifts so that he could take off work to take Jake, Cameron and little Ruby on a trip to Manhattan with Maya Ward next week. His patrol car was extremely messy, mirroring the way that his life was going. For the past two years, he had been trying so hard to get his relationship with Maya onto solid ground but Elizabeth always had other plans to keep him close.

"Yeah?" Lucky asked.

"Someone called in a tip about an accident on the Eastbrook Bridge. Apparently, the guardrail looks busted…" the dispatcher said.

"Oh yeah?" Lucky asked.

"Your patrol car is the closest one to the bridge so can you go check it out?" the dispatcher asked.

Lucky groaned, not really in the mood to go examine what was probably the result of some irresponsible teenage driving. No one should've been out driving in this weather, let alone some inexperienced driver. The roads were barely visible with the heavy rain and the Eastbrook Bridge was not well lit either, making it nearly impossible to navigate if one wasn't driving slower than thirty miles per hour. He agreed to go check out the situation on the bridge and made a highly illegal u-turn.

Thank goodness for the patrol car and the badge, he thought.

He drove leisurely over towards the bridge, not wanting to risk his neck for someone who was driving recklessly. He slowly pulled up to the bridge and gasped when he saw the damage that had been done. The gap in the guardrail was large enough to imply that a car had actually gone over the side and into the freezing water. He quickly put his car into park and trotted over to the edge.

"Wait a minute…" he muttered.

The car was a sleek silver Mercedes Benz, one that cost over a hundred grand. It was overturned, sitting at the edge of the river. He could count on one hand how many people had that amount of money to spend on a car. However, the amount of money that the car cost wasn't the thing that was bothering Lucky. It was the fact that he had seen the car before, like he knew who the car belonged to.

And that's when it hit him.

"Lulu!" he screamed.

It was his sister's car. He remembered that Johnny had surprised her with it at her birthday party that she had last year. Lucky quickly rushed back to his patrol car and grabbed the radio.

"This is Detective Spencer, I need a search party! Quickly! A car has gone over the Eastbrook Bridge! I repeat, a car has gone over the Eastbrook Bridge! It's my sister's car! Please! Send back up!" he screamed.

He yelled until his voice got hoarse. He yelled even after the dispatcher had assured him that help was on its way numerous times. As screwed up as his life was, he couldn't handle losing his baby sister. Lulu had become his confidant after Nikolas had broken his trust with his affair with Elizabeth. He and Lulu had always been close but she had stood by him through the fallout and stuck up for him and helped him fight for custody for Ruby when it was revealed that Nikolas wasn't her biological father.

He needed his sister.

He could hear the sirens in the distance and he immediately fished his cell phone out of his pocket. The thought of having to tell his family that Lulu had been in a terrible car accident. His mother, who was still in France, would be devastated, Tracy, Luke Bobbie and Carly would be out of their minds with worry, and Nikolas would be overcome with guilt, knowing that he hadn't made enough of an effort to reconcile with his sister after Ruby's custody battle. However, nothing would even compare to how Johnny would take the news.

There was no easy way to tell a man that his wife had been in a potentially fatal car crash.

But he knew that he had to do it. Lucky's hands shook as he pressed the send button and he placed the phone up to his ear. Letting someone know about a car accident wasn't the ideal method of telling a man that his wife had been in an accident but Lucky prayed that Johnny wouldn't pick up the phone.

"Hello?"

Today just wasn't his day.

"Johnny? It's Lucky… I have—I have some bad news… it's about Lulu…" Lucky started. He could feel the wave of nausea rise within him, dreading the next words that he had to say.

"What's wrong? Is she alright?" Johnny asked, his tone immediately wrought with worry and fear.

"There's been an accident on the Eastbrook Bridge… you need to get down here right now…" Lucky said quietly.

* * *

The rain had just started to let up as soon as Johnny got behind the wheel of his car. He shoved his keys into the ignition and tore out of his garage as fast as he could, heading in the direction of the Eastbrook Bridge. His knuckles began to turn white as he gripped the steering wheel tightly and maneuvered through town. He literally felt his heart stop when Lucky said that his wife's car had gone completely over the railing of the bridge and into the river below.

Nothing could've prepared him for hearing that.

Lucky told him to get down to the bridge as fast as he could and that he would be the one to inform the rest of the family and Johnny wordlessly obliged his brother-in-law and now he was speeding. He was racing across town, hopefully to see his wife, bundled up in a blanket, surrounded by paramedics. He would pull up to the bridge and immediately take her into his arms, kissing her and tell her that he was sorry for leaving tonight.

Everything would be alright.

Johnny could see the siren lights ahead as he neared the bridge. There were at least a half-dozen police cars and firetrucks that were gathered around the gaping hole in the guardrail. Johnny threw his car into park and immediately ran towards the crowd of people.

"Lulu? Lulu!" he cried.

The amount of commotion that was going on was overwhelming. People were barking orders and even a helicopter was circling above with the spotlight shining down on the river. However, his wife was nowhere to be found. He waited to hear her call out his name or to feel her throw her arms around his neck or to even have her yell at him for leaving. Anything would've sufficed.

"Johnny,"

He turned around only to be met with the pained eyes of Lucky Spencer and by his side was Nikolas Cassadine. Things had been bad between the two brothers ever since Elizabeth Webber blew up both of their lives and the fact that they were standing together, not at each other's throats, scared him.

_Something was definitely wrong._

"What's going on Lucky? Have they found Lulu?" Johnny asked.

Lucky didn't say a word. All he did was take Johnny by the arm and brought him over to the side of the bridge where the car had gone over. Seeing the height of the fall alone made Johnny's legs waiver slightly but at the bank of the river, a more horrifying sight stood: the watery remains of Lulu's car. From where he stood, Johnny could see that the entire windshield was gone, as well as the two doors on the driver's side of the vehicle.

"This—This isn't happening…" Johnny muttered.

He felt dizzy. His legs were weak and he felt so incredibly dizzy that he felt like he could faint if he looked at the car for another single second. He covered his eyes with his hands and took in a deep breath. He wasn't going to lose it. Lulu needed him to be strong for her. She needed him to be strong for when she was found. He had to hold it together.

"Where is she?" Johnny asked, meekly.

"Johnny…" Nikolas started but he couldn't hide that his voice was starting to break as well.

"Where is Lulu? Where is my wife?" Johnny asked, more resolutely, needing to have an answer.

"She wasn't in the car, Johnny… the current must've pulled her out and—" Nikolas started.

"If she wasn't in the car then maybe she's wandering somewhere! You have to check! You have to check!" Johnny screamed.

"We have, Johnny! We have!" Lucky cried.

And when Johnny looked into Lucky's weary eyes, he knew. He couldn't bring himself to utter the words because they were just too horrible to fathom. Johnny slowly backed away from the two brothers, shaking his head vehemently, sinking deep into denial.

"No…" Johnny muttered.

"The police have changed the status from rescue to recovery, John…" Nikolas started.

"Tell them to change it back then! Tell them, Lucky!" Johnny yelled, pointing at the river.

"We don't—We don't expect to find Lulu alive, John…" Lucky said somberly.

"Don't! Don't you ever say that! She's not—She's not dead! My wife is not dead!" Johnny screamed.

Tears had come to his eyes as he yelled at Lucky. Lulu was not gone. She just couldn't be. She was his wife. She was his heart. He would be able to feel it if she were gone from this world. He would feel it in his core that his other half had been taken from him.

"Lulu's gone, Johnny… she's—she's gone…" Nikolas said.

Hearing that felt like being punched in the stomach, like all of the wind had been knocked out of Johnny's body. Hearing that made it real. As the words washed over him, he felt that hole in his heart grow, like it knew that it had just lost something so precious and dear to it. In his heart, he knew.

His wife… his beautiful wife.

Lost forever.

He shook his head again, covering his mouth with his hands. Suddenly, the sirens were too bright and too loud. He couldn't breathe, he couldn't speak, and he couldn't even move. Everything was just too much for him in that moment. He felt his knees give out underneath him, hitting the cold pavement. At that moment, he suddenly found his voice and let out a painful wail that reverberated throughout the sky, expressing all of the feelings of guilt, loss, loneliness and despair that plagued his heart. The pain in his chest was nothing that he had experienced and the warm tears began to stream down his face. The sensation of feeling the warmness on his face made him more aware of how alive he was and it made him angry.

It just wasn't fair.

Why was he still here when the best person that he had ever known wasn't? She was the best thing that had ever happened to him and now she was gone. How could he bring himself to live when his reason for living was gone? He doubled over, clutching his sides and continuing to cry. He could feel the eyes of everyone who had helped in the search on him, pitying the poor young man who had just lost his wife to a watery grave.

"Johnny… Johnny, come on… I'll take you home…" Lucky offered, putting his hand on his brother-in-law's shoulder

"No… I need—I need to stay here…" Johnny sobbed.

"Lulu wouldn't want you to do this to yourself…" Nikolas said.

"I'm not leaving! Just leave me the hell alone! Both of you! Just leave me alone…" Johnny cried.

Johnny swatted Lucky's concerned gesture away and buried his face back in his hands. Even if he wanted to leave, he wouldn't because he couldn't bring himself to leave. It was his fault that she was even on the road. If he hadn't walked out, she wouldn't have been upset while driving. It was his fault that his wife was dead and that he would never recover from.

_Never_.


	6. Death and all His Friends

**A/N:** Wow, I'm completely floored by the comments that I received for the last chapter. Thank you guys SO much for your support and for your comments! I know that this chapter is late but I've been a bit distracted with my new internship and family stuff but this chapter is finally done! So with that being said, happy reading and don't forget to leave some love :)

* * *

**Chapter 6 – Death and All His Friends**

Johnny had never feared death. When he was young, brash and cocky, he taunted death, daring it to take him. He had already known hell on earth and whatever came next couldn't even measure up to the life that he had lived. If anything, death would be a welcome sanctuary for his endless suffering. If there was some sort of heaven, where nothing bad could ever happen to him again, where he didn't have to feel the intense longing for his mother who was so cruelly taken from him or to endure the relentless abuse from his father's lips and sometimes hands, he wanted to get there fast.

He never feared death…

… until the day he fell in love.

However, he didn't fear death for himself but for her because the thought of possibly losing her downright terrified him. So, he hired an army of bodyguards to escort her wherever she went, to protect her from the lifestyle that they lived in. He thought that if he could block out the world, he would have her forever.

_He was such a fool._

"Johnny? Johnny, are you in there?"

It had been two weeks.

Two unbearably miserable weeks.

Johnny slowly looked up at the door, not even bothering to wipe the tears from his face. He didn't feel like seeing anyone, especially today. He saw the doorknob turn and the door slowly opened, revealing Maxie and Spinelli, both dressed in black. Johnny watched as Spinelli took Maxie's hand as they approached him and he quickly looked away, trying to compose himself.

"Laura asked us to come and get you… the limo is here to take us to—to the service…" Maxie said softly.

His throat tightened at the word. This was real. This was actually happening. Lulu was actually dead and the memorial service was today. Johnny's hand flew to his mouth as he tried to hold in a hard sob but it was no use. The pain was too profound to be silenced. Warm tears rushed to his eyes as he came apart and Maxie put her arms around Johnny, a feeble attempt to soothe him.

"Johnny, The Blonde One would not want for you to wallow in grief like this…" Spinelli said.

"I killed her…" Johnny wailed.

The statement shocked his two friends into silence.

"It's my fault… she was on that road because of me…" Johnny lamented.

"Lulu's accident was not your fault…" Spinelli said quietly.

"Even if I believed that, I would've killed her anyway… the pregnancy would've probably killed her or my enemies would've killed her or—or maybe I would've turned out like my father and—" Johnny started.

He was stopped by Maxie, who grabbed his face and turned it towards her. He didn't want to look at her because all he could see when he looked at Maxie was Lulu. In Maxie, he saw the tears in Lulu's eyes when she found out that her best friend was pregnant and he saw the joy in Lulu's face as Maxie made her maid of honor speech at their wedding. He saw everything that he didn't want to see.

"Don't you dare even say it! You could've never hurt Lulu!" Maxie hissed, angry that he would even allow his mind to wander there.

"But I did! I did hurt her! It was why she was on the road, Maxie!" Johnny sobbed.

"Lulu loved you… she loved you until—until the very end…" Maxie said.

Her voice broke but she recovered. He knew that she was trying to be strong for Johnny's sake. She probably thought that she owed it to Lulu to be there for Johnny and Maxie was nothing if not loyal to her friends.

"She knew how much you loved her… and she still does…" she assured him.

He felt his shoulder cave in again as tearful sobs took over his body again. How could she still love him? He had acted so horribly the last time that he saw her. He had walked out on her and for all that she knew, he could've been out of her life forever. If he had just stayed that night and talked things out, he wouldn't be a widower right now. He felt Spinelli's hand come to his shoulder and Johnny shook his head.

"I don't know how to do this… I don't—I don't know how to live a life without her! How am I supposed to do this?" Johnny asked.

"By honoring Lulu and the love that you two shared… and you can start by coming downstairs with us to go to the service…" Spinelli said.

He could do this. He **had** to do this. He had to do this for her. He loved her and he hoped that love would help him carry himself through this day, despite how incredibly difficult he knew it would be. Johnny nodded and rose to his feet. Maxie straightened out his shirt and fixed his tie while Spinelli retrieved his blazer and when Johnny looked in the mirror, the emotional wreck that he was on the inside was camouflaged by a seemingly pristine exterior.

"Are you ready?" Maxie asked, holding her visibly pregnant stomach.

"No… but I have to be." Johnny quietly replied.

* * *

Johnny stayed silent as the car moved at an unbearably slow pace along the deserted road to the church, the very same church that they had been married in close to three years ago. Before departing, he had overheard Maxie telling Lulu's family that he was in a really bad way and they probably thought it best to just leave him be. Even if they hadn't, he wouldn't know what to say.

What could he possibly say when he was the one responsible?

Johnny felt the car pull to a stop and he felt the lump in his throat become heavier. He wished that it would just grow, robbing him of his breath so that he could join his wife in death. Surely death couldn't be any worse than this. Death couldn't have been as worse as the hell on earth that he had been living. Suddenly, he felt a hand come to his shoulder.

"Johnny… come on… the service is about to start…" Maxie said softly but he shook his head.

He slowly slid out of the limo and followed Maxie and Spinelli inside. His eyes fell to their intertwined fingertips and he could feel his own limbs start to shake. He was all alone in this world now. There wasn't going to be anyone's hand for him to hold when the weight of life started to get too heavy for him.

"Johnny?"

He looked up and saw Luke and Laura standing before him. They had gone in a separate car, with Lucky and Nikolas, to the service and hadn't spoken to him at the house either. He felt Laura's arms encircle him and heard her start to sniffle, on the verge of more tears. He shook Luke's hand and took his seat with the rest of the family in the front pew of the church. He could feel the eyes of everyone inside on him, burning into the back on his neck, wondering if he was going to crack. He was wondering if he was going to crack. He clenched his fist tightly as the minister started the service. The words about life and death did nothing to soothe Johnny's mind. No words, no matter how pretty they sounded strung together in a sentence, would make this right.

His wife was gone.

And no metaphor would make it easier for him to swallow that hard fact.

"I'd now like to ask for friends and family who would like to speak to come forward…" the minister said.

Maxie was first. She went up and spoke about how she and Lulu had gone from rivals to best friends. Her speech was heartfelt but bright, stating that Lulu would've been upset with her if she had delivered a somber eulogy. Nikolas followed and he spoke about regretting not patching up his relationship with his sister before she died. He lost his composure for a minute but recovered and moved quickly back to his seat.

Regret.

There hadn't been a lot of things that he regretted in his life. He never made apologies for the way that he lived but his heart was plagued with regrets. He had done so many things to Lulu that he had regretted. He regretted walking away, he regretted every single argument that they had, but most of all, he regretted never reciprocating all that she had been to him. She had given him so much and how did he repay her?

By killing her.

For reasons that he couldn't fathom, he rose to his feet and walked towards the podium. He stopped when and looked at the photo of Lulu that Maxie had picked out because he was too devastated to pick out a picture to display at his wife's funeral. It was a picture of her at Maxie and Spinelli's wedding. Her golden curls hung beautifully at her shoulders, grazing the top of her lavender maid of honor dress, and her smile was dazzling. Even a photograph of her still entranced Johnny to the point where he was just lost in her beauty. He slowly reached out and touched the side of her cheek, a gesture that he often did when she was here, and he shook his head.

He would never get used to talking about her in the past tense.

He turned around and stared out into the pews. He knew every single face in each row. The Quartermaines were sitting in the same row as Maxie and Spinelli. Behind them were Patrick and Robin Drake and Alexis and her two daughters. Carly and Jax had flown in with Morgan and Michael from Australia and were sitting with Bobbie behind Luke and Laura. Everyone was there and he had nothing to say. He hadn't even planned on saying anything but he needed her to know that he was sorry and that he missed her. He had never really believed in god or anything like that but if there was a way that she could hear him, he needed to speak.

"I'd—I'd like to thank you all for coming today. I know that Lulu would've appreciated it…" he said.

He exhaled shakily and gripped the sides of the podium. He could feel himself coming apart. He could feel that perfectly constructed exterior start to crack. He could feel the thudding of his heartbeat ring in his ears and he could feel his throat start to close up, making each breath he took harder than the last.

"I'm sorry… I know that I'm supposed to come up here and tell everyone how much I loved Lulu and how she made my life better and she did… she was the best thing that ever happened to me but it's just that—" he started.

His voice broke and he quickly covered his mouth with his hand. He couldn't do this. How could he say goodbye to the love of his life? How could he stand in the same place where he had married her and say goodbye to her forever? He couldn't do it.

"Lulu and I were married in this very church… we stood right here, making vows to spend a lifetime together, and three years later, we're—we're—" he sobbed.

And that's when he lost it.

Lulu had always said that when it came to the people that he loved, he wore his emotions on his sleeve. Once past the rough exterior, he was just as sensitive and vulnerable as the rest of the world, perhaps more so. He had only reserved his deepest emotions for the people closest to him. He could count the amount of people who had seen him cry on one hand. However, everyone in that church would now see the real Johnny Zacchara.

_A broken man._

He cried harder and wailed louder than anyone probably ever expected him to. He didn't have to look to see the shock on everyone's face to see him, **the** Johnny Zacchara, the man who had come to reign over Port Charles, falling to pieces at his wife's memorial service. However, they didn't understand. They didn't understand that the pain of losing Lulu just ran so deep that he knew that he would never get over it.

"Come here, sweetie…"

Laura was beside him, hand on his back, and she helped him to his feet, ushering him out of the church. No one would ever mean to him what Lulu had been. No one would even understand him or love him the way that she did. And most of all, no one would make him want to live like she did.

* * *

Death may be the greatest of all human blessings.

The quote from Socrates had sat in the back of Lulu's mind like a forgotten knick-knack in the attic. She had always detested philosophy when she was at PCU, thinking that it was just a waste of her time and not to mention trees in which the books were printed on.

How could death be a blessing?

It was a sentiment that didn't resonate with her until now. She always thought that the people who embraced death were either stupid or had nothing to live for and she was neither stupid nor desperate. Lulu Spencer-Zacchara had everything that she could ever want. She had amazing friends and family who supported her, complete financial security and a husband who worshiped the ground that she walked on.

But there was a flipside to that coin.

With her loving friends and family came the guilt of not living up to their expectations. She was tired of lying to them about when she and Johnny were going to start a family. She had grown weary of hearing Lucky and Nikolas gripe about nights with no sleep, potty training and chicken pox. If only they knew how much she craved to be up all night, rocking her child to sleep, singing songs until she saw her child's droopy eyelids close or how she wanted to be the one to kiss scrapes and cuts to make them better. She was tired of hearing her brothers complain about things that she wanted so badly. She was tired of going along with Maxie to the various baby boutiques and picking out things for her baby, knowing that she would never have one of her own. She was tired of being a constant disappointment to her husband, who desperately wanted and deserved to be a father. She was tired of fighting for a dream that Johnny had given up on a long time ago.

_She was just tired._

So now death, her death, was a blessing because she could finally rest. Everyone could rest. She could finally be free from being a failure as a daughter, a friend and a wife. And everyone could be free from her. It was a morbid thought but it was better this way. She loved all of them enough to let them go and move on with their lives.

Without her.

"Doctor! Doctor Singer! I think she's coming to!"

She never expected to actually witness a white light when she died. She thought that was just some tired cliché that people perpetuated in order to solidify the idea of a higher power but there was a bright white light that burned her eyes.

"Miss? Miss, can you hear me?"

Lulu blinked slowly, letting her eyes focus on her surroundings. She hadn't thought about what heaven would be like, if she was even in heaven, but it was nothing like what she expected. In fact, her surroundings resembled a hospital room. The walls were a pasty pale yellow and the hospital gown that was wrapped around her body was scratchy against her skin. She could hear the shuffling of feet in the faint distance.

"Am I dead?" Lulu rasped.

Her eyes fell to the smiling face of an older woman dressed in light green scrubs, a nurse most likely. She looked slightly older than her mother but still had a sense of youth in her face and in her toothy grin.

"Hardly!" the woman cried.

Another woman came in and Lulu assumed that it was this Dr. Singer that the nurse was talking about. Lulu was just so incredibly tired and she knew that she probably looked like hell. If she were dead, she was pretty sure that her hair wouldn't be a complete mess and she wouldn't have been dressed in a hospital gown.

"What's your name, honey?" Dr. Singer asked.

"Lesley… Lesley Lu Spencer-Zacchara…" Lulu exhaled.

"Well that is quite a mouthful, Lesley Lu Spencer-Zacchara…" Dr. Singer chuckled.

"Everyone calls me Lulu…" Lulu explained and the nurse beside Dr. Singer clasped Lulu's hand.

"Well my name is Grace Talley… Nurse Grace Talley." Grace said with a chipper smile on her face.

"I'll be back in a few hours to check on you. In the meantime, is there anything that you need?" Dr. Singer asked.

"My baby… please tell me… am I still pregnant?" Lulu asked and Dr. Singer smiled.

"Someone up there is really looking out there for you because you and your baby are fine…" Dr. Singer said.

The sense of relief that she and her baby were fine washed over Lulu and let her relax a little bit more into the hospital bed. She put her hand on her stomach as joyous tears came to her eyes. This little one knew how much Lulu wanted him or her and wasn't going to go anywhere. Socrates definitely had it wrong.

Life was the greatest human blessing.

"Anything other questions I can answer for you?" Dr. Singer asked.

"Can I use a phone to call my family?" Lulu asked.

"Of course you can, honey!" Grace exclaimed.

_You can't have that baby…_

Johnny's voice came back to her and made her shudder. He was so angry with her that night and she knew that it was because he was scared. He was scared to lose her but he took the same life and death risks for his job. In the back of her mind, she was always prepared for that late night phone call from the police but she loved Johnny so much that she came to terms with it and accepted that fact as a part of her life.

Why couldn't he do the same for her?

Lulu heard the clicking of the door as it opened and jolted out of her thoughts. It was Grace, cordless phone in hand.

"Here you go…" Grace said before giving her some privacy.

She wanted to call him, to hear his voice. She wanted to have him burst into his room and to hold him tightly until she couldn't breathe. But this wasn't just about her anymore. Lulu put her hand on her stomach and sighed heavily, punching numbers into the phone.

"Hello?"

"Dad?" Lulu whispered.

Everyone was going to hate her for doing this.

"Lulu? Is—Is that you?" Luke stammered.

"Yes, it's me… listen…" she started.

"Oh my god, Lulu… that accident… we all thought that you were—" he rambled on.

"I'm fine, dad… me and the baby are fine…" she said.

"Oh thank god… Johnny is going to be so relieved…" he said.

Hearing her husband's name made her start to cry. She missed him so much and she hated putting him through this but she didn't have a choice. If she went back, he could make her give up the baby and she couldn't let that happen. She loved her husband but he would have her family to help him. She was all that this baby had. If she didn't fight for him, then who would?

"Dad, you can't tell Johnny that I'm fine… you can't tell anyone…" she sobbed.

"What? Lulu, everyone thinks that you're dead!" her father cried.

"And it needs to stay that way… at least for now… please, dad… you need to help me disappear so I can have my baby…" she begged.

* * *

"My deepest condolences to you and your family…"

Johnny shook what seemed like the hundredth hand as another person's sympathies washed over him. What did these people know about what Lulu had meant to him? Absolutely nothing. They had only caught a glimpse of it during his momentary breakdown at Lulu's service but that was only a fraction of the pain that was in his heart.

Just a mere drop in a large pail.

Laura had managed to talk him down but he didn't return to the service. He couldn't bring himself to listen to another person say what Lulu had meant to them because all he could think about was what she had meant to him. She was his guiding star, the brightest element in his dark sky. If he was lost, he could always just look at her and find his way back home.

Now there was only darkness.

Forgetting his manners, he shoved past the annoying gossipy Port Charles citizens who pointed at him and whispered about how he was probably going to go insane like his father and took a deep breath when the cool outdoor air hit his face. His feet seemed to take on a mind of their own and began walking, without a set destination in mind.

Anywhere would've been better than being locked up in that house.

The road to Laura's house was deserted and quiet. The silence was comforting to Johnny as it was distracting to hear the thoughts in his head being jumbled with the mindless chatter of the funeral goers. Dusk was starting to set in on the town, turning the sky a rich dark blue and he remembered how Lulu had always loved watching the sun go down on their terrace. He winced, reacting to how quickly the memory came to him. Was this how his life would be like? Constantly being bombarded with memories of the wife that would never come home to him?

He walked for what seemed like hours, shuffling his feet along that long road, until they moved no more. His eyes rose and he took in the sight of his house. It looked eerily still, as if no one had lived there for years. Sighing heavily, he pushed open the gate and walked up the driveway. With each step, his feet got a little bit heavier until he reached the steps to his front door, unable to move any farther.

This wasn't his home.

Home was always where Lulu was and she was dead. He had no guiding star and he had no home. He blinked slowly and he saw two teardrops that he didn't even know that he had shed splash onto the stairs and he felt his knees hit the hard pavement. He was probably going to ruin his Versace suit but he didn't care. Lulu was never going to come home. She was never going to burn spaghetti in their kitchen, she was never going to yell at him when he worked too late, she was never going to surprise him with pizza and beer at the office and she was never was going to whisper his name breathlessly in his ear when they made love. She was gone.

And the darkness was all that he had left.


End file.
